One Year Later, Still Bridging My Worlds

The eve of my one-year Anniversary is right around the corner and I’m nursing a swollen ankle from a nasty bug bite and sleep deprivation. Last night, I dreamt I was hiding. I just remember the feeling that no one should know where I am. Suddenly, an object landed on the right-side of my chest. “Oh My God”, I squeezed out. But it was only Alex and his flopping arm. He mumbled something and I answered him in German that I called out because he startled me.

Honestly, that’s pretty damn cool that I can speak German half asleep. I only know this because I was awake for several hours afterwards because the bug bites I received playing Frisbee yesterday were driving me bananas. But truth be told, instead of feeling accomplished since my arrival one year ago in Germany, really I’m feeling unusually melancholy.

I see what I’ve gained in the last year -a new language, a new direction toward another career, new friends from foreign countries, a very strong bond with my partner, Alex. I’ve expanded myself, yet lately I feel particularly isolated. I neither belong to Germany nor do I believe I relate with my life I left in Florida.

Since moving here, I’ve learned to live with even less and I’m happier for it. I haven’t driven a car for exactly one year now and I don’t really miss it. My legs are definitely stronger, I haven’t had shin splints since my first few months here. I can now walk 10 km comfortably in my flip flops if I had to. I’ve even taken to riding my bike over using the U-bahn or tram. Finally I’m used to the rock hard pee-pee seat and I almost will not hesitate to run over a pedestrian who can’t read signs or obey normal traffic patterns. I just haven’t got the knack of telling people off in German, which many irate bicyclist seem to do here.

A part of my blues stems from the fact that I feel some how mediocre. I crave the above-average mental stamina that I once had, where things came easily to me. I understood most everything and could easily turn it around and examine it from another angle or point-of-view. I used to be funny, even if it was only to amuse myself. Now, I’m lucky if I can outwhit the Klohfrau.

I even caved this weekend, and started my first English novel since I moved here. Like nothing, I hammered out a 100 pages of Michael Crichton’s “State of Fear” in an hour or so. Still, I can’t read a German newspaper article with much confidence in my comprehension within a normal time period. Speed is also a problem with german-speaking friends. There are times I just loose my turn in a conversation because I can’t formulate the words fast enough. Or I find myself drifting in my own thoughts, thinking about the next thing to blog, pathetic.

Lately, I’ve hung out with English speakers just to kept the backyard lingo fresh. Strangely, the company is starting to weird me out. The resident English speakers seem to cling together. Some speak at the highest noise level below shouting because they think they are funny -often it’s just annoying and no one around understands anyway. Most of them will probably stay in Germany for a short time, one, maybe two years, and they already know, which makes it harder to feel inclined to open up beyond the weather and what’s happening at the next biergarten.

Binge drinking is common, as well as hanging out at the only 3 bars/restaurants which cater to English speakers. To attempt to speak German or talk about cultural exchanges among the locals is taken as if you’re showing off. The atmosphere turns out to feel superficial, it feels like being in camp for 20-somethings. Nothing of substance materializes, it’s all empty calories and next day hangovers. But still, I’m drawn to them, I understand the stupid humor -the old jokes from college are a comfort. And yes, there are some really ginuine people, who are well integrated in Munich, I’d like to get to know better.

But overall, I don’t know where I stand with a large group of English speakers living in Munich. I’ve never been a crowd person nor a follower, but I’m pretty tolerant. Native speakers are also a mystery. They say I should ask questions, stop them when I don’t understand. But I can feel it gets annoying after awhile, especially when they don’t know how to explain because to them, it’s just plain common knowledge.

I know, I know. Progress has been made and great strides have been achieved, I just wish there were a meter on my arm that could measure it for me on a daily basis and warn me when I’m slacking.