On the radio, I heard about a man who road his bike after dark through the Englisher Garten after visiting the Oktoberfest. The police started following him and ordered him to get off his bike. He had had a few Maß in him and was worried about getting ticketed, loosing his license or thrown in jail–so he hightailed it.

His get-away was quickly foiled by the Eisbach, a cold and fast moving stream that traverses through the park. To the cops amazement, they watched the man abandon his bike and jump into the freezing water. When the cops caught up to him, they found him shivering on the bank and suffering from a bad bout of hypothermia.

The cops only wanted to site him for riding without bike lights. Naturally they gave the paranoid guy some first-aid and a breathalyser test. It turned out his blood alcohol concentration was below 0.16%, which is the limit for people on bicycles. Had he driven a car, he had enough alcohol in him to loose his license for a year. Lucky for him but he nearly lost his life for a measly 10 Euro fine!

So in case you find yourself contemplating evading the cops to meet freezing death, take a look at cycling fines you’ll face in Munich. In general, you are better off loosing a few bills in your wallet than saying bye-bye to your existence.

[Apparently I have violated a lot of bike laws in Germany. If I was caught one time with each of the offenses I've made in the last 5 years, my fines would be a minimum of 370 Euro. uh oh.]

As a cyclist, you disregard the Rechtsfahrgebot (meaning, the right lane/side must be used when it is free) within the designated road surface marking.
Fine: 10 Euro,
15 Euro – if you caused an obstruction to others,
20 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
25 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You don’t cycle on the marked designated bike lane.
Fine: 10 Euro,
20 Euro – if you caused an obstruction to others,
25 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
30 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You ride your bike on the bike lane or on the street in the wrong direction.
Fine: 15 Euro,
20 Euro – if you caused an obstruction to others,
25 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
30 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You ride side-by-side and hinder other cyclists.
Fine: — ,
15 Euro – if you caused an obstruction to others,
20 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
25 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You make a turn into another street without signaling.
Fine: 10 Euro,
30 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
35 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You have lights on your bike but you aren’t using them even though it is too dark to see or be seen.
Fine: 10 Euro,
15 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
35 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You are riding a one-seater bike and allow another person over 7-years old to hitch a ride.
Fine: 5 Euro.

You are riding a bike with a child without the proper safety equipment.
Fine: 5 Euro.

You are riding a bicycle without proper or with a broken bike light(s).
Fine: 10 Euro,
20 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
25 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You are using a mobile telephone while riding your bike.
Fine: 25 Euro.

You are riding your bike with headphones / mp3 player in your ears.
Fine: 10 Euro.

You are riding your bike with no hands or you are being pulled by a moving vehicle while on your bike.
Fine: 5 Euro.

You disregard when the police ask you to pull over.
Fine: 25 Euro.

As cyclist, you ignore the red light pedestrian cross signals even though these signals apply to cyclists as well.
Fine: 45 Euro and 1 point on your driver’s license.

As cyclist, you ignore the red light traffic signal.
Fine: 45 Euro and 1 point on your driver’s license,
100 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
120 Euro – if you caused an accident.

As cyclist, you ignore the red light traffic signal and the light has been red for over 1 second.
Fine: 100 Euro and 1 point on your driver’s license,
160 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
180 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You are riding in a pedestrian zone where signs forbid moving vehicles.
Fine: 10 Euro,
15 Euro – if you caused an obstruction to others,
20 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
25 Euro – if you caused an accident.

You are riding in a pedestrian zone that allows for certain vehicles but you are pedaling faster than walking speed.
Fine: 15 Euro.

You are riding in a pedestrian zone that allows for certain vehicles but you endanger a pedestrian.
Fine: 20 Euro.

You are riding in a pedestrian zone where signs say this is not allowed and you endanger a pedestrian.
Fine: 25 Euro.

You are riding in a prohibited traffic zone.
Fine: 10 Euro,
15 Euro – if you caused an obstruction to others,
20 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
25 Euro – if you caused an accident.

As cyclist, you ignore the “do-not-enter, one-way” sign.
Fine: 15 Euro,
20 Euro – if you caused an obstruction to others,
25 Euro – if you endangered yourself or others,
30 Euro – if you caused an accident.

If your bike doesn’t have 1) a bell, 2) functioning brakes 3) lights and reflectors (front white and rear red) 4) two yellow spoke reflectors per tire or tires with reflector rings
Fine: 10 Euro for each.

If you own a racing bike (less than 11 kg) and you aren’t in a race, it also needs lights and reflectors or pay 10 Euro.
source: Landeshauptstadt München KVR, 6. April 2010

The last time I held my head that high, as if I were giving back the finger to any sort of European snide eye, was the day after Obama was elected president. But that instance wasn’t something I really owned or solely accomplished. Since moving to Germany, moments, go me moments, have come few and far between and therefore they must be savored.. with a fine beer, for example, while repeating the word sucker and prolonging the ’sss’.

‘Cause you know, it is a rare occurrence to give my host culture a taste of its own medicine. So often has been the case as an Immi-pat, I’ve casted myself the roll as the quiet observer, the on-looker, or mimicked along. I’ve been the brunt of jokes or simply naive and so utterly clueless you’d think I was one of those crazy Americans who believe in the Jesus Cheeto.

No, not a Cheesus believer.

Honestly I don’t have it that bad compared to other expats. I have an iGerman: my Obi-Wan Kenobi, the bearer of bacon. Problem is, he doesn’t fit into my pocket. I’m left to resolve those close encounters of the DE-kind gone awry alone. So I’ve gained a reputation as the gatherer of problems and have gone about solving them through trial and error. I’ve grown to expect the prerequisite Auslander hauteur but it just feels nice, like being hugged, to know a little justice has been dealt.. at the very least, knowing my logic upheld the German bar.

What I’ve learned in that trial and error period: wishing for justice to be inherent only increases the likelihood that you’ll receive it by chance.. or not at all. What? Choke up to the fact I no longer have the upper hand in Germany? this sucks! How do I turn the tables? get better odds? get it my way!? I know the answer. I just never expected it to be such a constant struggle for those day-to-day trivialities.

That’s probably why I find myself easily distracted, constantly falling off the wagon of well-intentions and stray, like a lost lemming, to the nearest English-speaking kin meet up. If I let myself truly slip, there could be something enticing for every evening of the week. Really I want nothing more than to master more control of my surroundings despite the language barrier even if it is as comfortable as rubbing Meerrettich into my eyes. Is it wrong of me to desire a short-cut or two?

What takes countless hours of getting to know the quirks and habits of one’s host culture can be a cinch to one person or cinch the very soul of another. (I waiver between the two.) Some are naturals -they dive into the slang, the dress code, the food, the German ideology. I’m drawn to this band but have to mask my feelings of unworthiness and seeming too unnaturally timid. Some are adamant -they have a ‘why bother attitude’ tattooed on their foreheads and usually get pissy when the natives don’t speak in an English that agrees with them. I’m finding myself more and more annoyed with group, even those fresh in the old world and flashing of unabashed ignorance. I’m not sure what I did with my tolerance. And then there is another group. Although their efforts are slightly noticeable they are often too insecure or modest. I know I fall into this group on a bad day especially when I feel resistant to advice or think everyone is a know-it-all.

I keep telling myself: integration can be one iota closer from hopeless foreigners, like myself, with practice. There are a number of ways to get from residing in Germany to living in Germany but the important thing is: really do try. I’m baffled (and a little jealous) that there are expats in Germany with very little contact with English-speakers, so some are forced to try. In Munich it is next to impossible to escape the comforts of English-speaking communities and mingle among the locals. This can make the task a feat conducted in vain or a repetitive blow to your ego.

I know, I know. I’m in danger of becoming a perpetual whiner. It’s not Munich. It’s not the German ideals. It’s me. I could probably use a pity party diet and carb-up on some Tubthumping lyrics.. eh, or stick to the ropes and avoid a puke-fest.
And then it happens: a kick-ass accomplishment.
It may be a mundane one and required a total bluff on my part. Without the iGerman, without raising my voice I made the o2-store take back their junk UMTS router. I won.
And to think I almost chickened out because I knew there would be tetchiness from those smarty clerks at the o2 Help desk. Just your classic friendly Munich customer-to-clerk conversation, and in this case I got what I wanted:

• Me – Hi, I no longer have a contract with o2 and so I’d like to return this o2 router.
• O2 – Well, you can keep it.
• Me – It’s over 3-years old and I have no use for it.
• O2 – Well then throw it away.

• Me -I could do that, but I’m sure there is an environmental law that requires all electronic companies, like Apple, Dell, and O2, to take back their equipment.
• O2 – Um, yes. We can take the router and properly dispose of it.. is what I meant to say.
• Me -Okay. Prima!

uh huh. okay. So what if I twisted the truth. Tor für mich.

I must say it has taken me awhile to get the hang of this winter thing. I chalk my first winter season experience up to happy-go-lucky ignorance. You could have locked me with a beach towel in a freezer full of Fischstäbchen and told me this was a typical German ritual.

I would’ve gone with it. And in some respects, I did and it was difficult to find any joy in it.

That’s probably why I haven’t been to a Starkbierfest in the time I’ve lived in Munich. The grey and cold keep me indoors.

In subsequent years, I grew more the wisers. Life in the winter months has taught me to stay active or end up busting a knee ligament and more recently, to also get over being shy about public naked-time on Sauna Saturdays. My cold loathing has been reduced for those few days when the sky is so depressing it feels like the dark crystal is hovering above Munich draining the life essence from all who dare to gaze outside the window.

Alright. It’s not that bad. Especially now.. because it’s Starkbierzeit.

The former monastery at Nockherberg, now the Paulaner brewery and gastronomy wonder park, offers a mini version of what it’s like to be in a beer tent during Oktoberfest. See all the Lebkuchen Herzchen, ribbons, and balloons? The one advantage: there’s no smoking. The disadvantage: there is a cover charge to get on the grounds.

So this Keferloher or Steinkrug I’m holding contains the Starkbier called, Salvator. Also known as “liquid bread”, it was invented by hunger-driven monks because fasting it old-school was just too hard to bare. They also supported their habit by selling the stuff to outsiders.

It needs to be served ice cold because it contains 7.5% alcohol (normal beer has 4.7 to 5.1%) otherwise it tastes bitter and flat. I thought the Salvator was just a tad sweeter than wheat beer and palatable, which was to my delight because I had a liter of it to kill.

After awhile the picture above sums it up: Life in a Mass surrounded by a bunch of empty mini-masses.. and a chicken with a knife in it.

At the end of the evening, the long, cold winter is merely a faint memory along with the uncomfortable tightness the dSo a schoener Tag – Fliegerlied by Die Jungen Zillertalerirndl of two seasons ago is putting on your rib cage. Eventually you find yourself happy and holding a bouquet of radishes! (or perhaps I’m speaking from my unique perspective) All in all, good times.

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