Where is my place?

heza — Fri, 07 May 2010 11:45:57 +0000

Exaggeration is important if I’m going to make this a cathartic piece. The facts are real. I’m going to change my life.

Sometimes when I look at Germany head on, I get the feeling there is but one tiny opening for light to shine through. Or maybe it’s me? I’m the one, perhaps since moving to Germany, who has become a house with one tiny window. Could I have been this way all along even before I moved to Germany? It’s hard to say. I can’t remember wallowing behind a solid wall for this length of time. Maybe it’s all of these things. I’m scared about the what ifs. What if my window doesn’t overlap with Germany’s and despite a bright, cloudless, sunny day there is this dark shadow on my seemingly life-is-good life?

Okay pretty bleak, I agree. It’s going on Day 7 of unrelenting dreariness in München and it’s compounding my mood. I won’t post any matching photos to commiserate what a pisser the weather can be. Instead I’ve dressed this post with the last beautiful weekend in Germany (April 24-25)*. Besides, my writing below is sopping enough.

I’m pretty sure I’m PMSing given Alex’s reaction to me as if a reviling claw swats at him when I open my mouth. Sorry to divulge. On top of this- the weather- a lot of scat has gone down and results have been worse than lackluster. Admittedly, I’ve put blame on the situation or on others but the Gaussian curve has got dibs that the blame solely lies within me.

Let me pause, while I dry choke.

I’m on the brink of retiring from student life with nothing to show for it, at least if you were to look at me from a less than one-tenth of a millimeter thick sheet of paper. It’s not hard to see how I got to this point. I know my test preparation method is shoddy and one completely exposed in the German university system. To say that I feel monsooned with embarrassment is not even close. With each glance at the mirror I keep expecting “illiterate” to be tattooed to my forehead.

This may come as a shock to some or perhaps they were half expecting it because I found it so hard to talk about it openly. The last time I did I started balling in front of practically strangers. This post is my way of putting a foot forward again or taking a step back from this “losing my mind” situation. You take your pick. I need to muster up all the strength I can to steer this massive ball back on track and I’m scared I can’t see around this damn thing.

I have known what it takes to stay focused and channel that hive where dedication resides. I know I should and can change my study habits to fall in line with German expectations. Of course the journey can’t be shortened. There is no short cut. I get that. Yet there are these distractions or nagging feelings that this is a mistake. Is struggling with this degree backing my true nature? Have I somehow screwed up in life and now I’m teetering on the edge of an unimaginable talent wasteland?

I shutter to think that I’ve been staring at the drawing board all this time. A friend of mine once told me, “You only have one 2nd chance, so make it good.” What have I been doing for five years? Is my resume a sunken ship? a blemish that is so deep it will leave a scar? Will people look at me and assume I’ll want to make a baby now? a cover up for a carpet stain on my life? I know I shouldn’t care but it hurts when people I respect unexpectedly insinuate they know this will solve my career discontentment. What they never bother to ask is whether or not I believe intentionally bringing a life into the world should be left to those who feel a drive to become parents or is it a duty we have to human kind to reproduce. Should it be a last resort for social acceptance, no. I have had interviewers with sideways eyes tell me in so many words, “..and given your age you are perhaps thinking that you’ll want to start a family, no?” How do I respond to this? I know what Alex and I both want but I’m not naive to the possibility that we may face questions we haven’t planned for. Why should this be discussed in a job interview?

What brought me to Germany wasn’t just to study, I came here because I found a level of compatibility I never thought was possible for me. It’s true I have some ‘minor’stream ideas about how I want to live my life. It’s great to feel understood by one being in this world. It’s supernatural to find one wanting to walk beside me hand in hand – going on seven years end of this month. Alex is trying to be my coach and I am truly grateful for his advice but it’s hard on our relationship. I know this is his language of love and it breaks my heart that this part of me is still unresolved. I’m fully aware that I could take advantage of social inequalities (being born hetero and from an influential country) and throw life into cruise control but it still won’t answer the true question: What do I do now?

I was good at being an environmental engineer although I think I’ve lost the passion to jump into this field again.. or did I ever have it to begin with? This question is annoying which is why I find myself grasping to keep myself afloat. Having a degree and I’m not using it seems like an ultimate form of selfishness.

The one thing I enjoy right now that mimics job fulfillment doesn’t pay and its future is uncertain. I’m helping to get an international orchestra/choir here in München established. The whole process is fascinating and unpredictable. I believe it could do a world of good for those who feel isolated in a foreign city or country and it gives people a chance to ‘island hop’ between expat culture and life among the locals. It maximizes the experience of living abroad and opens doors normally closed to people working hard for a few years in a foreign land. Music brings people together from all walks of life when it is accessible and fills me with a sense of purpose.

But I’m loosing track, so before I withering away in hobbies and what ifs and buts, I need help finding some vital connection with what I want to do. My list of possibilities:

substitute teacher for 6th-8th grade math/science?
Write a cookbook? travel articles? newspaper stringers? reports?
Something with Music?
Open a bistro?
Work for a charitable organization?
????

At the end of this month I’m going to visit an international school, meet the principle and shadow a few classes. I have yet to find/speak with someone who has worked as a substitute teacher and eventually became a certified teacher. So if anyone has information on this, please let me know before the 20th of May.

I’m sending this out into the universe. This has been a difficult post to write and I’m sorry if I’m completely self centered at the moment. I would love if you could tell me your ideas, suggestions, or criticism. Any stories or links you may know or have are also invited. Thanks so much.

* Photos were taken in Weimer

Protected: lucid in Florida

heza — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 11:52:07 +0000

Protected: Gib Dank :: Happy Truce Giving

heza — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 23:59:00 +0000

a Ms. understanding, i suppose

heza — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 02:50:00 +0000

No job. They have all of their bases covered. The airport is equipped with a wastewater treatment system design to treat basically all of the water onsite, including rainwater. The Erdinger moos watershed is monitored for water table stability and the groundwater chemical composition.

It was a nice exercise but I must admit it isn’t fun when you aren’t needed. At least I have a suit.*

Somehow I also find myself with a head cold giving to me by man of germ-attracting steel. I’ve decided to make some mint tea with fresh leaves out of my 4th floor garden. That I can be proud of today.

*I found a nice selection at the Karstadt at Stachus and if you are on a budget H&M has a some goods too, although sizes are limited.

lucid in deutschland » egoistic

Where is my place?

Protected: lucid in Florida

Protected: Gib Dank :: Happy Truce Giving

a Ms. understanding, i suppose